Physiological Birth in Portugal - my personal story

I wrote this only a couple of days after birth but could already feel the amnesia setting in- I couldn’t recall what the pain felt like at all, only elation. It’s a long story but I want to remember every detail.

At exactly 41 weeks, the day after the supermoon, I had woken to some mild menstrual cramping that fizzled out during a morning walk. I was disappointed and had the obligatory “I’m going to be pregnant forever” cry in the birth pool ($30 kiddie pool) we had set up on the balcony. I cheered up later though & we went to the beach that evening to take some last photos of my belly.

In bed that night, the mild cramping returned & I decided to time the sensations. I was surprised to find that the sensations were already only two to four minutes apart, and was hesitant to wake Jeremy or let my friend Claire know, so I lay in bed experiencing them for two hours before letting Claire know to make her way over, and for Jeremy to start filling the pool. I went to the toilet & saw my mucous plug and a tiny trickle of fluid. It was just past midnight & I knew we were in the birth portal.

When Claire arrived 45 minutes later, I was already naked, groaning & had thrown up. I was swaying in the dark of our bedroom, the sensations had moved & were exclusively wrapped around my hips, sacrum & lower back. I didn’t feel any sensations in my abdomen after those first two hours, which amazes me. Jeremy was pool-filling, bath filling & cleaning the space at record speed. Claire, who I now know is an angel sent from heaven to guide Charlie into our lives, had brought welcome offerings for our birth table as well as melon, orange juice, coconut water & some bright yellow gerbera flowers. Before conception I had a message from Baby about the colour yellow. She had also dressed in a yellow embroidered top to honour Baby’s arrival.

I laboured in the bath tub in candelight while being fed cubes of melon, and Jeremy finished filling the pool with buckets of hot water. I moved to the pool and it was heaven, sinking into the hot water. I was mostly on my knees leaning over the wall of the pool, still experiencing everything in my hips, back and sacrum. This was actually one of my remaining fears of birth- an excruciating back labour. I’m not sure where this fear came from. I threw up again, watermelon everywhere. Time had collapsed & I moved between knees, a squat & hanging off of Jeremy as each sensation curled around & crashed over me. Hours passed. I was moaning & groaning from go to woe, doing my best to breathe expansively before beginning my descent into chants of “ooooooopen” and “yes” and such sounds. I was surprised at how vocal I was. I had no concept of how much time had passed. We moved around the apartment, “we” being Jeremy with me hanging from his neck as we danced and swayed and walked to the bedroom & bathroom & around again & again. I laboured on the toilet for a time, leaning over the cistern & hanging onto the towel rack for dear life as birth opened me up.

Claire and Jeremy took turns applying counter pressure which was wonderful. I remember looking into Jeremy’s eyes & seeing him so calmly smiling back at me. But I began to feel scared- was there going to be days more of this? I had been preparing for a long labour. Could I do this? How long had it been? I didn’t ask because I knew the answer didn’t matter. I threw up for the third time. I was scared to get off the toilet, scared that if I moved it would become more intense, in full knowing there was only one way for it to go.

We walked again, I lay on a nest of blankets & pillows on the floor, groaning & doing my best to remember to breathe. I asked Claire to suggest some positions for back labour. We moved to the bed. I had also asked her to check my homeopathic kit for anything to ease my back - Jeremy later also told me that the contractions were all over the place, ranging from every minute or two, to ten minutes apart. I didn’t mind that as I felt my body was giving me little breaks, but I was keen to ease the “my back is being crushed in a vice” type sensations. We chose Kali-C and I took 3 granules under my tongue. It brought things back to an intense but manageable level. Intense but not unbearable. My other fear had been of getting exhausted, unable to endure the pain & wanting to transfer to hospital for pain relief. But I never even considered it during my labour. Apparently the contractions also became more rhythmic after the Kali-C although I didn’t have any sense of that. I look back now & realise I must have been in or nearing transition. I was shaking uncontrollably on the bed with adrenaline in between contractions, the earth quaking within me. I said “I can’t do this… what if this goes on for another two days? I can’t do this for two more days!”

We moved back to the pool & I was surprised to find that dawn had broken. Nine or so hours had passed already since I went to bed. It felt like 45 minutes. Hormones are amazing. Jeremy emptied bowls of hot water onto my lower back as I roared. I was aware of a sense of needing to poo, but this can’t be the pushing sensation that everyone talks about. It hasn’t been enough time? It’s not pushy enough? I explored the sensation, riding the waves, not feeling the need to actively push. I think I was entering denial at this point. I inserted my middle finger to check & I felt a hard spot, a full finger deep. I knew it was the head- we were progressing, but Baby still felt 100 miles away!

The end was in sight, but also it seemed impossible that Baby is coming! I began chanting to Baby. “Come on Baby! Come doooooooown… We cant wait to see you! We are here Baby, you’re not alone. We love you Baby!” Jeremy joined in the chant which was so supportive, as he’s not a mantra chanting kind of guy. Maybe he got on board because at that moment I had also decided to start some drama… “It’s not coming down” (the head- not fast enough for my liking) “It’s not working!” (In the way that I want it to)” & “It isn’t cominggggg” in a whiny tone. I had touched on another fear- that Baby would get stuck, that I’d be pushing for hours, resulting in an emergency transfer. It literally never occurred to me prior to birth just how slowly a baby can inch its way down a birth canal. Jeremy asked me if I really felt that something was wrong. I said “….no” & went back to talking to Baby. Claire was steadfast. She reminded me to trust my body and my baby, that we were working together, that he had chosen to be here & that all was perfect. She looked into my eyes with such confidence & trust.

I still had Jeremy in a death grip as I knelt in the pool, with my upper body draped over the pool wall & around his neck. He said he had been watching my fundus pushing down. I put a finger inside myself again and felt Baby maybe two cm away. Just inside my vagina. I asked Jeremy if he wanted to feel our baby-he did. I was in denial now- Baby was SO CLOSE & I had forgotten about this part… the part where a human head was going to stretch open my vagina. I had spent so much time in pregnancy thinking about how I would handle contractions that I forgot I had to actually give BIRTH. I took a few contractions on my knees, a few in a squat, still in the pool, making the most ungodly sounds I’ve ever heard. I’m truly surprised nobody in our building called the police. I was howling, groaning, begging God please, begging baby to come down, roaring, I was aware that the sounds I was making didn’t seem to match the sensations…. It was definitely intense, but I sounded like I was being crucified. I wasn’t in the level of pain that I sounded like I was in. Physiological birth is a hell of a drug! I needed to stand up. I stood & hiked up my right leg onto a chair. Previously I had dreamily envisioned Jeremy catching our baby, as I gracefully eased Baby out on the bathroom floor. Like in the videos on Instagram. The reality was that I clutched Jeremy by the neck, dragging him to me, while I stood on one leg, and screeched like a howler monkey into his ear as I felt the ring of fire. I thought that I would tear from clitoris to anus. I wanted to back out, cancel the whole event, but I couldn’t.

I squealed as I tried to gently encourage Baby’s head out into my hand with a contraction. I had wanted to not push at all & just let baby’s head emerge, but I couldn’t help it- I panicked in the intensity & pushed just to get it over with. Pop. “Baby’s head is out” Claire said. Before I could process this, his body was out too! “Baby is out, Baby is here” Claire said, and was bringing Baby up to me to hold. I was in shock. I can’t believe there was an actual baby in there. The waters came spilling out after him like a bucket of water. There was a perfect little log of meconium that must have been squeezed out on the way through. I sat down in the pool with my baby & held him to my breast, he had already let out a squawk and had began crying in earnest, telling us all about his journey into our arms.

Jeremy was so relieved, so sweaty, so exhausted, so proud, so emotional. It was wild and glorious & bloody. I looked and announced “It’s a boy!” We laughed with joy; I had been saying since before conception that he was a boy, but almost everyone else had predicted a girl. I felt so proud & victorious. We have a son!!! It had been about an hour now since he was born. His cord was rather short- I felt we needed to clamp & cut his cord so that I could stand up & comfortably birth the placenta. Jeremy did the honour. I slowly climbed out of the pool and squatted over the popcorn bowl. I thanked the placenta for caring for our baby for all this time. I coughed and gave a gentle test tug to see if it was ready. A gentle push and out it plopped. I sat down with my beautiful bowl of placenta while Jeremy held our baby. I loved getting to gently feel & look at the placenta.

After some more snuggles we decided to weigh Baby. He was 8.6lb of perfection. We went & took a fresh warm bath together, Claire brought me hot bone broth which was the most delicious satisfying thing, while Jeremy cleaned everything up. I left the living room like a murder scene so this was no small task. I was stunned, elated, relieved that it was over, and very grateful not to have to contend with any major variations of normal- it was a fairly textbook experience. I got into a fresh made bed with baby, both of us naked & skin to skin. Jeremy came & sat with me while I ate chicken & vegetable soup.

I am so proud & in awe of Jeremy. He had initially said something along the lines of “over my dead body” when I said I wanted to birth at home. I’m so grateful for his trust in me. I’m also so grateful for my friend Claire. I had thought all along that I would want to labour alone, and was surprised at how much support I ended up wanting and needing and receiving. They were both perfect & worked so hard for baby and I. I had full autonomy over my birth process. They supported me in complete love and respect & trust. I can’t believe we did it, but at the same time it was all so simple- we just really let it unfold. It was about 14 hours of active labour but I think I had a silent early labour probably beginning that morning (I guess it hadn’t fizzled out after all)

I realised about 10 days post partum that I did have some slight tearing (I initially thought I hadn’t torn because my perineum was intact) but on closer inspection with a hand mirror I suspect I had a labial tear or some internal tearing within the labial tissue. Probably from my little panic push while standing up. I was surprised at how long it took before I could comfortably sit or walk- probably two weeks, although it all healed perfectly with just rest, herbal baths & seaweed honey compresses.

Birth was an incredible experience & we both feel so glad to have chosen to birth undisturbed at home.